I am Penelope Rae Fattinghamnobtop, from the Platypus Digest I am currently in Surrey where I have sat down with Mr. Grahame Hammond to talk about his company’s new approach to customer service.
Mr Hammond, would you please tell us about your new endeavour?
Gladly, for years, companies have been trying to make customers understand, that just because a
company has customer service, it does not mean it has anything to do with helping or wanting to
help, for that matter. It looks good on paper and that is where we come in to make sure the
customer understands, that is futile to call. Corporations like airlines and phone companies have
really been at the forefront of ensuring bad customer service, to the point where Indian phone
scammers provide a better service.
Mr. Hammond, this sounds pretty bad already. How can you make it worse?
It started with a coffee meeting with the Nineteen Lord of Hell, who told me about this seminar
he was giving on customer service nice chap. I learned so much, and this is what we came up with
The customer can choose three business plans.
The Basic
You have to listen to a child telling a story for an hour, and you have to stand up with the phone to
your ear the whole time; otherwise, the child will start to cry.
You will have to give us your firstborn.
If you complete these stages, you get through to someone you can help for 10 seconds and then
you cannot call anyone anymore.
The Premium
You will be given a quest which you will have to complete.
No matter your religion you will have to convert to another.
Answer a questionnaire about mould.
Learn Italian grammar in a week and there will be a test.
If you complete these stages, you will have 5 seconds to tell us about your problem.
We will then make you move to another country without Wi-Fi.
The Elite
You will be permanently stuck at nr 2 in the queue, no matter when you call, and the Macarena will
play in an endless loop, plus for an extra small fee, the customer will also experience the Macarena
playing in their dreams.
I need to return to reality. Thank you very much, Mr. Hammond, for your time today.
My pleasure, Miss Fattinghamnobtop.