I am Gordon Powers. Welcome to what critics like my mother call the best gameshow in the world. You guess it is time to play Yeah, I Won Something. It is a game show about fun, sustainability, and the common good.
Today, we have three contestants with us. Welcome, and also a warm welcome to my viewer, Graham from Norfolk. Your support warms my heart.
Contestant nr 1: Please tell us your name, occupation and spare time activities.
My name is Lorelai Jaya Pommeroy, and I go to the school of life, build my own board games and then I have a YouTube channel where I visit shelters and roast kittens that have trouble finding homes.
What now, Miss Pomeroy? l need you to very carefully explain exactly what you mean by roasting kittens.
Sure, Mr. Powers, it is important to ensure that the animal gets placed with the right person or family, so I point out the kitten’s faults and its past mistakes. The purpose is to see if the kitten can take a joke; we are looking for kittens who do not act all woke and get easily offended. If the kitten passes the test, I move on to the person or family and continue to roast them. If the humans also can take a joke, then they can take the kitten home.
I am afraid to ask Miss Pommeroy what happens if, as you say, the kitten cannot take a joke.
Then they get paired with someone who also cannot take a joke and is just as weak-minded.
Let’s move on. You mentioned going to school and building your own board games. It sounds a tad more normal. Could you please tell us more?
Certainly, I go to the school of life and I just recently built a game called the American Dream and the objective is to acquire homes and hotels. Every time you pass start you get money and you can also go to jail.
My apologies Miss Pommeroy it sounds a lot like Monopoly, let me rephrase that it sounds exactly like Monopoly.
That is precisely what the lawyers from the company behind Monopoly said.
And that fact did not deter you?
No, they are just being haters, there are vast differences between my game and their version.
In my version, you have to be born in the sixties to be able to buy a home or a hotel, or you can buy your home as a toddler; if you are born later, your only option is to rent. Furthermore, I have my own currency, the Pommeroynian yen.
I believe it is best we move on.
Contestant nr 2: What is your name, Occupation and spare time activities?
My name is Pierce Percival. I work as a secret agent for MI5. I identify as nondairy. In my spare time, I have a YouTube channel where I make elaborate pranks on world leaders.
I don’t believe I asked about what you identified as, but more importantly, are you not afraid that these world leaders won’t find your pranks as funny as you do?
Not at all. They are all pranking me back by pretending to send something to someone after me. It is all in good fun.
Well, thank you very much.
Contestant nr 3: Could you also tell us your name, occupation, and spare-time activities? I can only pray you are more normal.
My name is Allegra Isla Pipschmidt and I am a stay-at-home lifeguard in my spare time I am a Cosmonaut with ROSCOSMOS which is the Russian version of NASA.
I have to thank our caster Llewelyn Plantis for finding these wonderful and interesting contestants you are just so excellent at this job, that I feel it is time you move forward and be excellent elsewhere.
Let’s get on with the show. Let me start by introducing the many wonderful prizes we have.
The first prize is a BMW, which you will share with four random people of our choosing who reside in different parts of the country.
The second prize is an evening with me Gordon Powers and my dog Ruffles where we play trivial pursuit and then Ruffles will bark the theme from Star Wars.
The third prize is an afternoon with my intern Presley, who will mime all the scenes from Cats.
Miss Pommeroy, will you please join me on podium1?
You have 2 tonnes of Alabaster stone before you, which you have to turn into an exact replica of Michelangelo’s David. You have 2 hours to complete the task. In the meantime, I will read my memoirs, a diary of a rich and successful man.
Mr. Percival, would you kindly join me on podium 2, please
Right now, we are going live to the planet Brontë 7, where the Blackpool spaceship is in dire straits, and you are their only hope; you have one hour to save 300 lives, 299 humans and a walking stick.
I should point out that the astronauts are from Newcastle and South Yorkshire.
To entertain our viewer my mum will tell a funny story from her book club they call themselves the Singlenettes.
Miss. Pipschmidt would you come to podium 3 please?
You have two hours to devise a plan for world peace, and while you do that, my other intern, Rowence, will perform her ten favourite dances from TikTok.
Good luck to all the contestants
The time is up and thanks very much to me, my mum and Rowence for the wonderful entertainment although sadly we have no winners.
Miss Pommeroy managed to destroy the two tonnes of stone completely. Mr. Percival, you were the closest to victory, but alas, you could not save Hamish from Cudworth, the spaceship, and the walking stick. Furthermore, you also failed your secret objective of negotiating a trade treaty with the inhabitants of Brontë 7.
Miss Pipschmidt, your plan actually made it worse. As of now, Iceland is at war with the Faroe Islands.
I am pleased to tell you that we do have consolation prizes. First, an all-expenses-paid weekend at Birmingham airport and a morning with me, Gordon Powers, where I will perform my one-man play, What is Up, God. Are you all right?
Thank you very much and good night.