My name is Marjorie Atterscott Fitz-Simmons Clemmens with the Airport Lounge Tribune, and today, I am at Solihull International Airport to speak with the CEO of the airport, Mr. Porter Portnoy Pippington.
“Thanks so much for talking with me today, Mr. Portnoy Pippington.”
“It is my pleasure, my dear. Can I ask you what media you are from?”
“Indeed, I am from The Adventures of Milton, a publication dedicated to bringing stories of the everyday adventures of the owner’s dog, Milton.
Now, Mr. Pippington, as I understand it, you have come up with a plan to heighten security in the airport. Would you please tell us more about it?”
“Well, Miss, we at Solihull International Airport have decided to be at the forefront in the ongoing battle of ensuring that robots will not enter our beautiful city. I think we owe it to future generations and for King and country.”
“Are robots entering Solihull a big problem?”
“We have not seen any yet, but nevertheless, it is important to remain vigilant—now more than ever, especially with all the talk about artificial intelligence.”
“May I ask what you have done to prevent the future scourge of robots coming into Solihull?”
“We’re implementing strict robot-proof measures—things like online CAPTCHAs. You know, where you have to identify pictures online, such as traffic lights or buses. We will do the same here, although the customers will have to do it in a book when they enter the airport and after they have been through customs.”
“Couldn’t they do it at customs? Would that not be easier? And why a book?”
“Surely, we are not here to make the customers’ lives easier. We are all about safety, and a book cannot be hacked.”
How about those with a disability?
We’re a very disability-friendly airport. We don’t laugh anymore. But no exceptions—guide
dogs are smart. They can help identify those troublesome traffic lights.”
“What happens if a traveller has trouble spotting the image correctly?”
“They will not be granted entry, and they will immediately be transferred to a holding cell. There, an episode of the Jerry Springer show will be played for them, and I will scratch my nails on a chalkboard—only a robot would be able to sit through that.”
“Smashing! I assume your test will prove to be very effective in singling out the robots, but as I understand it, even though they can prove without a doubt their human condition, it is still not enough?”
“No, absolutely not. They will have to enter Solihull another way—by car or train. If they cannot pass such a simple test as identifying traffic lights, I fear for future generations.”
“So, are you saying people are not allowed to enter on account of what you see as stupidity?”
“Yes.”
“Sounds wonderful. Are you planning to add more staff to enforce these new procedures?”
“I hired my nephew, and then we introduced a new rule: people must be at our airport 10 hours before takeoff.”
“Thank you for your time, Mr. Pippington. Best of luck with your project.”
“Thank you, Miss Clemmens. Don’t forget—always arrive 10 hours early. Safety first!”